It's not us, it's the others | Dutch people, direct or just rude?

Published: 4 August 2009 15:24 | Changed: 4 August 2009 17:37

More than 90 percent of the Dutch say other Dutch people are too selfish. In other words: everyone is accusing everyone else of not being considerate enough of others. Paul Schnabel makes the case for more self-criticism in the Netherlands.

OPINION

By Paul Schnabel

   Illustration Rhonald Blommestijn
Illustration Rhonald Blommestijn
 

"Unwittingly antisocial," is the motto of the latest campaign from SIRE, the Dutch Institute for Non-Commercial Advertising. An accompanying website invites visitors to take a test to determine how antisocial they are. For instance, if you have a dog, the site will inform you that every year 11,152,000 people in the Netherlands step in dog poop.

It's a friendly gesture, but it begs the question: do we really need to be told that if we let the dog poop in the middle of the sidewalk there is a good chance someone might step in it?

Do we not realise that if we play our music loudly it might bother others? Does the empty soda somehow fall from our hands by itself? On a packed train are we really unaware that someone wants that seat where we've just put our bag? Do we not see the big letters on the window identifying the carriage as the "quiet car" as we chatter away on our cell phone?

Of course we do, and if we find ourselves the 'victim' in such cases we do not doubt for a moment that our interests and rights are being deliberately ignored. In those situations we rightfully see such behaviour as antisocial.

Blunt and rude

For its current campaign SIRE surveyed a number of the most common annoyances. At first glance they seem relatively minor breaches of courtesy, of the rule that you should not inconvenience others.

The situation takes on more serious dimensions if we look at Wegmisbruikers, a Dutch TV programme that shows motorists being stopped by police for all sorts of traffic violations. All too many times we've seen motorists first put each other in danger and then lash out at the traffic police. You almost expect it to turn into the American TV show Cops, with a click of the handcuffs and the offending citizen locked up for insulting a police officer.

Not a chance. In the Netherlands even the judge thinks a police officer should simply be able to cope with the insults. Fortunately he is usually able to do so. You see the fruits of many hours of psychological training when he props himself on the car's footboard, turns a friendly face to the driver and calmly explains where and how the violation occurred.

Courtesy, willingness to please, and good manners are not national virtues in the Netherlands. To a certain extent we are even proud of this fact. We like to say that this is because we are so honest and straightforward. Anyone born or raised outside our borders would say that the Dutch are mainly blunt and rude. That was already the international verdict about us in the seventeenth century, starting with the excessive freedom granted Dutch children.

Not much has changed since then. If a Dutch person says, "I'm going to be honest with you," you know that what follows will not be a confession but an insult. Although service has gotten somewhat better in the Netherlands, there is still a lingering fear in the Dutch hospitality industry that helpfulness and service will be mistaken for slavishness and grovelling. One visit to the United States is enough to realise that you can be very helpful without becoming a slave. "Yes, but they're not sincere," is the typical Dutch response. No, perhaps not, but it is still very pleasant.

Victims

When Sander van Walsum was a correspondent for the Dutch newspaper de Volkskrant in Berlin, he gushed outright about the pleasant way people treated each other in what is not the most courteous city in Germany.

In his book, Native English for Dutch People, essential reading for the international business traveller, Ronald van de Krol stresses the need in English to use words such as 'thank you,' 'please' or 'sorry' approximately once per sentence. Anyone who doesn't simply isn't speaking good English, and what's more, is an unspeakable oaf. That's not something most people would aspire to, and yet that is exactly what many Dutch people - unconsciously - do.

The SIRE campaign shows that the inability or refusal to consider the interests, wishes and sensitivities of others is seen as irritating by the Dutch themselves as soon as they are the 'victims'. To put it simply, even the average Dutch person would like to be treated with friendliness and courtesy. Anyone who is elderly or disabled hopes that someone will stand up and offer them a seat on a crowded bus without having to ask. These days, most people are afraid to even ask.

More than 70 percent of the Dutch feel that people are treating others with less and less respect. An even higher percentage feels that values and norms in the Netherlands are being lost. Unlike in the United States for example, this concern is not focused on topics like abortion, euthanasia, or gay marriage – we find the criticism from the Americans in these areas to be inappropriate and hypocritical – but on the manner in which people treat each other.

Indeed, as prime minister Balkenende (Christian Democrat party) is fond of saying, "That's not how we should treat each other in this country" ("Zo gaan we niet met elkaar om in dit land.")

The problem is that we do in fact treat each other that way, and contrary to what the media says, the population agrees with Balkenende that this is a serious problem. In surveys, society's ills and a loss of values and norms are repeatedly cited as the "biggest problems," as the matters about which people "are extremely negative or angry or embarrassed with regard to Dutch society."

No self-criticism

Despite the crisis, values and norms are still in first place in 2009, above income and economy, crime and security, politics and governance. Incidentally, values and norms also rank first when it comes to what people are most proud of, but then clearly in relation to an appreciation for civil and democratic freedoms.

The anger and shame stem from the idea that there is a growing lack of respect, decency, patience and tolerance in today's society. More than 90 percent of the Dutch says other Dutch are too selfish. There is something both tragic and comic about that: in fact, everyone is accusing everyone else of not being considerate enough of others. But it is very consistent with the picture that emerges from every study in this area: there is never even the slightest hint of self-criticism. It is always the others who need to change.

Thirty years ago Christopher Lasch wrote The culture of Narcissism, in which he primarily criticised the emptiness of self-love. What he did not see, or what perhaps was not there to see in America, was the flip side of narcissism: the simultaneous anger and envy with regard to anyone who does not belong to the immediate circle of partner, children and friends.

It works as follows. You do not need to show any love, attention, recognition or respect to people outside your immediate family, but you do expect them to treat you with these values in mind. The true narcissist does not give, after all, he only demands. Others give, I take. If everyone takes this attitude, it is not surprising that there is so much dissatisfaction in society.

Is that more the case in the Netherlands now than in other countries? Perhaps it is, since what we usually regard as our Calvinist legacy of values and norms is miraculously consistent with the narcissist position.

The rigidity, thriftiness and honesty that Johan Huizinga recognised as a national spirit 75 years ago - as well as the smugness that goes with it – has changed. In a society no longer organised along denominational lines and comprised since the sixties of people who have been made very self-aware, it has been transformed from a character trait into an attitude towards others.

So special

Simply put: we are no longer tough on ourselves, only on others. They cannot be allowed to do what we permit ourselves to do, since we have learnt to put ourselves first and to make our own feelings the starting point of our actions.

Anyone who is irritated by someone else's music, the mess left by another person's dog, the bag sitting on the last empty seat on the train, feels first of all wronged with respect to his own "specialness". When we talk about how courtesy and accommodation have gone out the window, we're not talking about that empty seat on the train but about the seat of honour that we think we are owed. The offence is not only that we are not being considered, it is that we are not the only one being considered.

That may seem somewhat exaggerated, but it is people who experience these social situations as such who are guilty of exaggeration. Their exaggeration of the "specialness" of their own person - the essence of narcissism - not only explains why people are becoming ruder to each other, but also the remarkable fact that at a time when many people should be concerned about their jobs and their possessions, apparently minor sources of irritation continue to dominate their concerns.

That will probably change as the reality of the recession sets in, but it doesn't follow that people will become more pleasant, more tolerant, or more concerned for each other. Such a turnaround is still possible, but only if we start changing ourselves instead of just expecting others to change. There is an old Chinese proverb that might be adapted to the Dutch situation as follows: "Master," the pupil asks, "how do I become a kind person?" The master: "Imitate one for a while."

In other words: be social, not antisocial. And do it consciously, not unwittingly.

Paul Schnabel is director of The Netherlands Institute for Social Research/SCP. He is a professor at large at Utrecht University.

 

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